Omar Mateen in Paradise

Dear Infidel,

I write to you from Heaven, where the most sacred Allah saw fit to send me after my martyrdom. After killing those degenerates in that Florida nightclub, I was confronted by the Infidel police and did as the most sacred Prophet Muhammad commanded: I fell to my knees and begged to the Infidel, “Oh Mr. Infidel – I mean Daddy – please don’t kill me! I will give you a most sacred blow-job!” Then I heard a loud bang and awoke here.

You may be wondering, Infidel, is it true that the shahid receives 72 virgins? It is absolutely true! However, my most holy imam failed to inform me that the virgins are all men. It must have been a mistranslation.

So the first thing that I heard in Paradise was loud disco music, and then muscular men in shorts fell from the sky. One looked at me and squealed, “Hi Omar! We’re your virgins! Now bend him over.”

The virgins proceeded to strap me over a barrel, and six of them thrust their throbbing penises in my anus, mouth, ears and nostrils. They switch off, six at a time, all day long.

One day, they tell me that if I’m a good shahid I may get the opportunity to penetrate the nostril of the most sacred Prophet Muhammad himself, as is also promised in the most sacred Q’u’r’a’n.

Allah’u’akbar!

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